Life After Death Question #20: Friendship and Marriage

by Damien Echols

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fireflydances
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Life After Death Question #20: Friendship and Marriage

Unread postby fireflydances » Sun Dec 16, 2012 12:05 am

Any friendship that is worth its weight is like a dark and secret place where you hide bits of yourself. The door can be opened only by the two people who have the key, and you carry it with you wherever you go. Magnify that by a billion and you begin to get an idea of what marriage is like.

Lorri and I have struggled, fought, wept, and laughed as we were forced to discover new connections. She's the only person I've ever known who has the tenacity and willpower to keep going when all others would have given up and walked away in defeat. We've had to take turns guiding each other through dark places. In the end it has helped us create a stronger bond than those who get to live together under the same roof. We've grown together as a single organization.


I am very taken by Damien's observations on friendship and marriage. His description concerning the type of friendship "that is worth its weight" made me to stop and examine my close friendships to see if he's managed to capture something. I think he has. He is certainly an insightful writer.

I've included the second paragraph because it provides some insight into his relationship with Lorri during the time that must have challenged their love. His comments are also quite a powerful testament to Lorri.

As usual, there is a lot that can be commented on. Share your thoughts on the nature of deep friendship. How friendship and marriage fit together. I am also interested in others' reactions to what Damien calls Lorri's "tenacity and willpower to keep going."
"Some books are to be tasted, others to be swallowed and some few to be chewed and digested." Sir Francis Bacon, Of Studies

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Re: Life After Death Question #20: Friendship and Marriage

Unread postby Liz » Mon Dec 17, 2012 12:41 am

Let me speak to the friendship part of the question first.

I have had a couple of friendships like the one he describes. I have had others that were close. But I have my doubts that there are many marriages like that. Damien and Lorri have been very lucky. They were lucky to find each other and for being able to connect the way they did and to have weathered the tide.
You can't judge a book by its cover.

The only thing that matters is the ending. It's the most important part of the story.

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Re: Life After Death Question #20: Friendship and Marriage

Unread postby nebraska » Mon Dec 17, 2012 1:39 pm

I think I would call my husband my friend at this point in our marriage. We laugh together, we are comfortable together, we have more or less adapted to each other's peculiarities. But it took 45 years of struggle to get to this point.

I think friendship within a marriage is different from other friendships. There is too much baggage that goes with marriage -- budgets and children and inlaws and household repairs -- pretty much everything that is part of life has to be dealt with in the relationship. With other friendships they can be relegated to a more isolated area and there aren't as many necessary relationship components like the marriage list above. So a marriage friendship is unique.

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Re: Life After Death Question #20: Friendship and Marriage

Unread postby Fern » Mon Dec 17, 2012 2:10 pm

I've been lucky enough to have a few close friendships and I can identify with what Damien's saying regarding the dark, secret place. The way I interpret that is how you let your close friends into your dark, secret places that others would never get to see - share your deepest darkest secrets and let them in on dark times in your life that you'd never expose to anyone else. When you talk about these things with close friends, you're opening up a deep, raw part of your soul. It also bonds you together that only a small number of people, perhaps only one even, hold the key to these places (i.e. know your secrets/things you keep hidden).

I have to say, however, that the few close friendships I've had of the nature that I describe above (and thats only 3-4), I don't think I could've lived with any of those people. I had a best friend for 17 years whom I was very close with, but when I went on holiday with her or saw her every single day for too long, she started to get on my nerves. I'm not sure I could ever live with somebody for year after year without that happening. I know I'd have to have plenty of my own space and alone time in the house. That's as far as I can comment on marriage.

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Re: Life After Death Question #20: Friendship and Marriage

Unread postby fireflydances » Mon Dec 17, 2012 7:56 pm

Liz wrote: Damien and Lorri have been very lucky. They were lucky to find each other and for being able to connect the way they did and to have weathered the tide.[/liz]


nebraska wrote:I think friendship within a marriage is different from other friendships. There is too much baggage that goes with marriage -- budgets and children and in-laws and household repairs -- pretty much everything that is part of life has to be dealt with in the relationship. With other friendships they can be relegated to a more isolated area and there aren't as many necessary relationship components like the marriage list above. So a marriage friendship is unique.


I would agree with both comments. I think marriage is something more than friendship. Perhaps this is because there are aspects of marriage that have more to do with propagation of the species. I remember feeling this overpowering sense that as a married woman I'd become part of this generational vine that flowed far back in time and forward into the future linked into a very deep rhythm of the Earth. It wasn't like any other relationship I ever had -- and I am not speaking of the physical side.

Whereas friendship is like a miraculous discovery of another soul that is open to you on levels you know you have, but you've never shared with another human being.

To put the two together in marriage would be astounding, and I've know a few marriages like that. I had a friend years ago and she and her husband worked in the same office. They ate lunch together every day -- I'd say they probably spent 90% of each day together. They were not miserable in this joined existence. They were the most in sync people I ever met. I think the one thing that always stood out was their simplicity. They wanted very little. Each of them was more interested in the commonality of their life together than in anything else. Now my friend's mother died within hours of her husband's death. And I believe that Shirley just assumed the same would happen to her and Sam. It didn't and in her last years she was like a fish out of water, just profoundly uncomfortable with life. The downside to deep friendship I guess.

Fern wrote:...with close friends, you're opening up a deep, raw part of your soul. It also bonds you together that only a small number of people, perhaps only one even, hold the key to these places (i.e. know your secrets/things you keep hidden).


If I had to experience only one -- deep friendship or marriage -- at this state I would want friendship. Perhaps that has to do with the fact that my children are growing up. Perhaps it has to do with the fact that I never found that degree of intimacy (soul intimacy) in my marriage but rather in friendships. I found something very deep, very overwhelming and beautiful in marriage, but it was tied to children, to home, to relatives, to making a life.
"Some books are to be tasted, others to be swallowed and some few to be chewed and digested." Sir Francis Bacon, Of Studies

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Re: Life After Death Question #20: Friendship and Marriage

Unread postby Liz » Sat Dec 22, 2012 3:33 am

fireflydances wrote:If I had to experience only one -- deep friendship or marriage -- at this state I would want friendship. Perhaps that has to do with the fact that my children are growing up. Perhaps it has to do with the fact that I never found that degree of intimacy (soul intimacy) in my marriage but rather in friendships. I found something very deep, very overwhelming and beautiful in marriage, but it was tied to children, to home, to relatives, to making a life.

I totally get what you are saying. TOTALLY
You can't judge a book by its cover.

The only thing that matters is the ending. It's the most important part of the story.


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